Monday, August 6, 2007

Poetic - Dollparts

Doll Parts

This started
because I was angry
except angry wasn't good enough
it wasn't a statement
it wouldn't erase you
without a mission unofficial stealth mission
created and stored after meetings
I was not allowed to attend
held between past selves
with phantoms to vanquish and scores to settle
Yin and Yang little girl parts
with a Daddy to put in his place

I am only the keeper of excuses
made on the spot at their urging
and beneath their wisdom
They make the decisions
I carry them out

Meeting minutes are taken
while I stare blankly and enjoy my anonymity
My aversion to feeling
My STRENGTH as a woman who
cry for you...or anyone...not even herself

The Minutes are placed in files
aptly marked confidential
That I could never find in my psyche
while in such a role of innocence
feigned even for myself
For pulling out later at a juncture
when justification is needed
for cleaning up an unconscious slip

Ogre's I would fear even acknowledging
the existence of appropriately stand guard before
these record files of meetings held
between fragmented doll parts
who knew I loved you
and hated you for loving me
because you didn't know
the lies you told
were really your heart speaking
because it meant those sweet somethings
disguised as nothing

...And the lack of expression on my face
was a lack of revelation designed
to give me something
to hold onto while I waited
to see if you would ever really be there
and strong enough to call my bluff
and ignore my thorns
and make me stop blaming you
for the failings of someone else.
So the doll parts
could finally be unseated
from their comfortable thrones
in a place I cannot reach
because you weren't there afterall
not for any of it really
You lacked the insight to ignore my thorns
...caved before my bluff
And out of your stone remains
I carved a myth
For the delight of a fractured inner child
who has been my Master
so I could take a walk with my eyes closed
and still feel safe

-Dazjae '07

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